Where is the source of your joy – inside or outside of you?
This is the question I asked myself this afternoon, having caught myself rolling my eyes and murmuring: ‘my oh my, there is not much joy in that, is there?’.
I was standing at the swimming pool’s entrance, blankly staring through the transparent glass wall at the crowded lanes. Lots of kids splashing and screaming, the two available adult lanes swarming with aggressively moving swimmers.
I felt gutted and annoyed with myself. I had been wanting to go swimming for the whole day, and only managed to get myself out of my house after 6 pm. I knew full well that that’s the time when most people end their working day and go for their daily dose of exercise. I also had had the luxury of choosing to swim during the day, at a time when there is pretty much no one around. I so enjoy the quiet spaciousness of my experience, when I have the lane all to myself. I can contemplate, I can meditate, I can savour the slowness of my movement, I can experiment with different tempos, I can stretch my arms widely…And yet I made the choice I made. The slow and relaxed movement is not going to happen under these conditions. Now what?
Three different options sprang to mind. I could choose being gentle with myself, go home and try again some other time. I could choose to go swimming, because this was something I had already decided, so it had to be done - I would swim and resent myself and the world for how unpleasant the environment feels. And I could also experiment with making this different experience into something exciting and joyful. Without an expectation to succeed at having, but just with an attitude of giving it a try. Why not? Don’t I full-heartedly believe that the source of joy is within, not without? In that case, having fun in a crowded lane should be possible. At least in theory.
You can guess which option I chose. Yes, going home seemed quite tempting too. Yet I was craving some movement. And I also didn’t want to miss an opportunity to test my set of beliefs out – in real waters. I set an intention to love myself even if I fail to enjoy. I would praise myself for trying no matter what my experience ends up being. That commitment to self-love was a game changer. It took the pressure off and actually made my experience into a game. My mind now had an exciting task to play with. How can I turn anger and resentment into joy? How can I use this experience to give myself even more compassion and love?
I chose to use one of my favourite tools – working with the energy of “being gutted” in an embodied way. Expressing it through the way I swim. Aggressively push and kick with my legs, visualise the heat going out of my finger tips, puff out the energy of resentment, splash it out. Feel the waves of emotion move through my body with each and every stroke. Soon enough, the energy shifted and I felt a whole-bodied sense of aliveness. It felt pleasant. My heart felt light.
At the same time (in between the aggressive puffs!), I was also complimenting myself for the choice I was making. I was telling myself how proud I am of my commitment to growth and learning, no matter what. I was praising myself for making more and more conscious choices in my life, and noticing how good it feels.
I was also telling myself that I am practicing something really important right now – a set of skills that I can transfer into all areas of my life. I was practicing staying in my own centre, taking responsibility for my internal wellbeing, regardless of the external circumstances. I was practicing an empowered mindset. I was working on my own recipe to alchemise challenge into power, resentment into self-love, seeing what works and what doesn’t. Trying out things. So that I can use it myself and share with others.
The result? The re-frame of the situation as an experiment and self-love practice turned out to be super potent. I was feeling physically and mentally great. I succeeded in proving my belief right. Again. I had been practicing similar re-frames on many occasions, and I now had yet another confirmation of the efficiency of this practice. I was left with yet another story of having fun in a situation, in which I would have normally complained and felt like a victim of my own choice. I left the swimming pool empowered, feeling a stronger connection with the source of my joy and excitement, more confident in my ability to generate it internally. Also inspired to write this post and share that inspiration with whoever is on a similar journey towards an empowered, colourful life.
‘A Bigger Splash’ by David Hockney
And if you are, I want to come back to my initial question and ask you about your experience of sourcing joy and excitement from within. Is it something you are familiar with? Is it easy? What do you find challenging about it? Please share - I would love to hear your perspective.