It comes again. This feeling. Of wanting and not being able to write, of feeling stuck, voice-less. That’s how I used to feel for most of my life. Ashamed. Not having much to say, not having a voice. And also, simultaneously knowing that I have SO MUCH to say, that I have been gifted a unique voice that can touch people. I could never get that split. I felt confused by it.
And now, that confusion comes up again, and feels real as fuck. And I hear the story running alongside it: I’ve invested so much time and energy into all these trainings, programmes, healings and self-help groups and what not…
Yet here I am, again, feeling stuck. I manage to catch this story in my mind while it’s still a seed and hasn’t yet grown into a dense forest of self-doubt and shame.
Now that I’ve caught it,I know I am at a choice point. This is when I can decide what to do next, what practice to choose.
Image by Fernando Kokubun
“It’s just not flowing”, close the notebook, go read more self-help and gain more mental knowledge. Which is okay and it’s also would mean me practising that what I have tons of experience with – feeling disempowered, telling myself a story that I can’t do anything about it. This practice has taken me so far in life.
Or I can choose something else.
To work with this stuckness in this present moment, move with it, use its HUGE energetic potential, alchemising it into something life-affirming and aligned with my purpose of guiding other beautiful human beings back home, towards their power, inspiration and joy.
By the way, did you know that stuckness contains a huge amount of energy? Have you ever been told that if you find the right key, you can actually channel that energy in the way that serves you and what you want to create in your life?
I wasn’t taught that - I had no idea that that’s how it actually works. I used to think of stuckness as a very passive state. Low energy, no charge, no fire. I was so wrong! From the neurobiological perspective, stuckness is a form of a collapse – there is a huge amount of energy in the system, but most of it is spent on keeping the motion in one place, of shutting the body down.
One beautiful alchemical recipe that I have discovered – nourish yourself with plenty of self-compassion and then take action in the chosen direction, letting go of the outcome.
How does it look in practice? Just before I wrote this post that’s what I did: I hugged myself. I caressed my face, I stroked my hair, I gently held my left (feminine) hand with my right hand.
Then I spoke to my inner child very softly: "I hear your doubts. I see that you are feeling scared. It's ok, sweetheart. I love you, regardless of your state. I am here and it doesn’t matter to me how well you will do out there, no matter how you are received, my love is always there to catch you, no matter how many times you fall. You and your joy are my utmost priority.
I repeated it a few times, until I started to feel that my body was softening and relaxing.
And then I danced to some aggressive rap, imagining myself kicking the shit out of the programming I received from my environment. Smashing all those nasty beliefs that I took on as true. Especially that one: "I need to come up with perfect creative results and performances in order to be noticed and receive affection and appreciation". FUCK THAT. I was stomping my feet and kicking, kicking, kicking with my arms. Some of you may know I am not a fan of rap, but there are times when it can be just the perfect medicine :)
And then I sat down and this post just wrote itself, organically.
I hope it serves you, when you are struggling with feeling stuck and need a reminder that there is a different way of being with it and that “self-compassion + active movement” can be a very powerful combination when it comes to transforming the feeling of stuckness into something more flowing.
I also want to share that I would have been ashamed to share such intimate details of my process (especially about caressing my face or stomping my feet) in the past. But now I feel zero shame.
Self-soothing is what I teach people who I work with too, if they feel open for it. I teach them to care for those very tender, vulnerable parts of our psyche in some very tangible, physical ways that work for them. In the way that their nervous system recognises and responds well to.
And our nervous system responds best to gentle, loving touch. Amazing news - it doesn't matter if it comes from ourselves.
You can try it for yourself too, and if you do – let me know how it goes, what works and what doesn't - I’d love to hear how it went.
Also, if you feel that the stuckness you experience is deep-rooted and you might need some extra support with moving through it, I also offer 1-1 private sessions, where we can explore your experience in depth and look at what's standing in the way of the flow of your aliveness. Don't hesitate to reach out - I would love to support you.
Image by Jen